Oblivious Babies R Us Lady

Jeff and I were in Babies R Us on Wednesday buying a cartload of bottles, diapers and onesies. Neither of us could remember how many bottles we needed so I did the quick math. Let's see, they eat every 3 hours so that's 8 bottles per day. HOLY COW! How quickly we forget! But I digress, that's not the story I wanted to share.

While browsing in the health care aisle, I said to Jeff "I think we need another pair of nail clippers."

"You're kidding," he replied.

"Well, they get dull pretty quickly."

A young woman with a petite baby bump holding 2 pair of nail clippers and looking a little lost said, "do you already have a child?"

"Yes, we did." I reply cautiously.

::Silence::

"She actually passed away last April," I add.

"Oh, well did you get to clip her nails?" she asks. [Ed note: Clearly she has a one-track mind.]

"Yes, of course."

"Well, do you really need these clippers or can you just use what you've got at home?" she asked.

"Well, you can certainly use what you've got at home as long as they're small enough to cut tiny fingernails and big enough to get a good grip. It's kind of hard to hold on to squirming little hands and nail clippers at the same time."

"Oh." She still looks perplexed.

"When are you due?" I asked, trying to be polite.

"I'm 36 weeks along." she replies beaming.

Stunned that this adorable little bump could house a 36 week old baby I regroup and reply, "Wow, not much longer then huh? You'll have a great Christmas present."

"Yep, we're actually hoping for Thanksgiving even though my doctor is going to be on vacation."

"Good luck!" I say encouragingly.

"Thanks. When are you due?" she asks.

::Silence::

"Uh, we're adopting so it could be anytime."

"Oh great! Congratulations! Good luck!!!" she responds with enthusiasm and rounds the corner out of view.

Clearly I need work out.

SPLASH!!!

We're in!!! (And we've never looked better if you believe that this picture is us...) It will probably take a week or two before our letter is on the website but the hardcopy is being presented to birthfamilies right now! It's hard to believe we're so close to having another baby in our home.

But before we get ahead of ourselves, let me remind you that the average wait in the pool is 10 1/2 months. We waited about a month before being selected by Lillian's birthmom who was 6 months pregnant at the time. The wait is the hardest part so let's keep busy with some good old fashioned guessing games. First one, how long will we wait? Check out the poll to enter your guess.

Prayer requests:

• Patience, patience and more patience for us as we wait
• Wisdom and courage for the birthfamily

Making the Drop

Shhhhh...I'm making the drop. Okay, it's not a covert operation but I am handing off a non-descript manila envelope today. AT THE ADOPTION AGENCY! Yipee!!! 200 glorious copies of our "dear birthparent" letter and 15 copies of our photo collage. I'll mail another 100 copies of the letter and 5 copies of the photo collage to the Seattle office. I decided to hand deliver the copies to the Portland office because it's seems a waste to mail them such a short distance...and it's just more fun to drop them off in person. With this delivery, our work prior to entering the pool will be complete. Once our counselor completes her portion of the profile, we'll be in the pool. SPLASH! She works Mon, Tues and every other Wednesday so I would guess we will be in the pool sometime next week.

Since I'm sure you're just dying to know what they look like, here is our letter and collage. Do you think it accurately represents us? Sometimes I feel like I'm talking about somebody else. It's just strange to try to market yourself. How do you describe your life and your beliefs in 1 page? And how do you sum up your life in 5 pages of photos? Well, this is our attempt. What do you think?

Transcript of the letter so you can actually read it:

Dear birthparents,

We are Jeff and Lori, high school sweethearts who have been together for 18 years and have been married for 13 of those years. We are thankful that we have had so much time together already to build a stable and loving relationship. And we look forward to many happy years together with our growing family.

We struggled with infertility for some time before we decided that what we really want is to be parents rather than pregnant. We were thrilled to welcome a beautiful baby girl into our lives in 2004, through open adoption. After two wonderful years, our hearts were broken when she passed away from a rare brain tumor. Lillian was a delight in every sense and we miss her terribly. But she taught us not to waste a minute of this precious life, so we are looking forward to welcoming another child into our family.

Jeff has been busy completing a major remodel of our home. Through that process, he uncovered skills he didn’t know he had! Whether scooting up and down the river in his jet boat or walking through a forest, he is happiest when he is among nature. And he is looking forward to sharing his love of the outdoors with our child. Since we believe that a child’s early development is best served by parental care and attention, Jeff will be a stay at home dad again.

Lori is a strategic planning director for a large sport and fitness company in Oregon. She enjoys the responsibilities of leadership and believes that many of the same skills apply to being a parent as well. Her greatest joy was being a mommy and she is looking forward to sharing giggles and stories with another child. When she is not working, she likes to explore her creative side. Lori is a member of our church’s drama group where she writes and performs plays and sketches.

As a couple, we enjoy camping, entertaining and playing all types of games. We both enjoy cooking and will offer our children diverse and healthy food choices including meat and vegetarian dishes. From large holiday gatherings to impromptu activities, we also spend a lot of time with our families. Most of our extended family is local and they all look forward to welcoming the new members of our family, including you.

Our home is in a family friendly suburb of Portland. It is on a large lot complete with a new play structure. Our children will also enjoy a large playroom which is filled with toys and books. We want to offer our children opportunities and experiences that allow them to explore their talents and find what makes them truly happy. As committed Christians, we look forward to raising our children with the strong values and loving beliefs of our faith.

Once again, we are choosing open adoption because it is focused on what is healthiest for the child. We still enjoy a close relationship with Lillian’s birthmom and birth grandparents. Similarly, we will honor and respect your relationship with your child. We are inspired by your courage in making a plan for your child and want to thank you for considering open adoption.

Best wishes,
Jeff & Lori

Individual Appointment

On an interview or first date, you try to put your best foot forward and in doing so, you show a tenth of the person you truly are. You reveal just the parts that you think the other person will be attracted to. But sooner or later, things "stop being polite and start getting real." (You like that MTV Real World reference?) We don't want that reality to hit with a birthfamily after a baby is born. We want to find a mutual attraction right off the bat that builds into an organic relationship. We don't want to find ourselves forcing visits to meet our contractual agreement. We want to truly enjoy each other's company. So we looked forward to each meeting with our counselor as an opportunity to reveal more of ourselves.

Last time we were anticipating these adoption meetings, it was with a great deal of apprehension and uncertainty. I think we expected that we were being judged. Like our counselor was taking some sort of uber-complete inventory of our parenting abilities that would culminate in the delivery of her verdict.

With a slight nod of her head, she proclaimed "Yes, you have been deemed to be fit parents. Here is your baby now go forth and parent well."

Fortunately that couldn't be further from the truth. Our individual meetings were as painless and invasive as all the prior meetings. Our counselor used the historical information from the last adoption and just asked us questions where she felt there might be updates. She asked us about our parenting experience and our grieving process.

In my individual meeting, we reached the end and I was silently patting myself on the back for holding it together despite these emotional questions. But just as quickly as she said "I think that's it," she changed her mind and said "oh, just one more thing." Darn it, so close! Then she dropped the bomb. "The answer to this question might be different than last time. What are you most proud of? Or what is your greatest accomplishment?" And with that, the floodgates were opened. LILLIAN!!!! I'm most proud of my beautiful, strong, brave little girl!!! Nothing else in my life compares to the joy of being her mommy. Now I can sit through entire meetings and carry on productive conversations with tears streaming down my cheeks so I'm completely used to this by now. Sympathetically, our dear counselor told me to take a minute. Oh boy, a minute is never quite long enough. So I told her that we were gonna have to power through. And with that, the individual meeting came to an unceremonious end. Oh well, that's the way this roller coaster goes!

The good news is she thinks we will be in the pool in just a couple of weeks!!! We can't believe how quickly things are moving this time around. And as I told Jeff, I have been holding back on the baby shopping but once we're in the pool, we will need to re-stock the necessities. Just diapers, formula, bottles, etc. but even those simple supplies will be such fun to buy again.

Home Visit(s)

On Sunday afternoon, I slumped in a chair and told Jeff we needed to postpone the home visit. We were both exhausted. We had already admitted defeat on the "easy to install" cork floors. The counter tops wouldn't be in. The sinks, faucets, appliances, plumbing fixtures, etc wouldn't be in. And I had just spent the last 2 hours cleaning the dining room. We still had the play room, living room, bedroom, Lillian's room and 2 bathrooms left to clean. At 2 hours each, there just was not enough time to get ready for the home visit. Fortunately Jeff talked me off the ledge and busied himself with the playroom. I got a 2nd...or 3rd...or 20th wind and went to work on our bedroom. By the time our heads hit the pillows that night, we were nearly ready.

Which brings me to today. The good news is we completed the home visit. The great news is that our counselor has spent the last 6 years remodeling every surface of her own home and could easily relate to our partial state of completion. The excellent news is that we got BOTH home visits done today. Wooohoooo! Generally they do 2 home visits because it takes about 4 hours to gather all the information for the profile. But because much of our info hasn't changed from last time, we could just fill in any gaps from the past couple of years. Here's a partial list of what we discussed:

• Our childhood experience
• A typical day in our house
• A typical weekend
• What we like to do as a couple
• What we appreciate about each other
• Religion
• Values
• Parenting philosophy
• Discipline strategy
• Financial situation
• Neighborhood
• Detailed description of our home and property
• Jobs including travel and daily schedule
  

Now you can see why it takes 4 hours! Adoption is certainly not an overnight decision. It requires a lot of soul searching preparation. If only all parents had to spend this kind of time thinking about how they would parent...

The final discussion today was also the screening tool. Adoptive families outline their openness to everything from race to gender to exposure to a variety of drugs and alcohol. This list is then cross referenced to potential birthfamilies. Only birthfamilies who match our preferences will receive our letter and profile.

With both home visits completed, that just leaves our individual meetings. We have scheduled those for October 8th (Lori) and 9th (Jeff). Then we wait for our counselor to complete the profile before we will officially be in the pool! I can't believe it's moving so quickly. By the end of the month, we will likely be in the pool. And then the nerve racking wait really begins.

Adoption is a bitter sweet process. Our joy comes from someone else's pain. Lately I've imagined a young woman distraught to discover that she is pregnant. And she is making this incredible decision on what to do next. I pray that somehow she finds out about open adoption. I pray she is brave enough to choose adoption. I pray God brings us together.

Looking Fine

Well, I forwarded the "zen garden" picture to our counselor for approval. Her overwhelming response was "I think the picture looks fine." Ahhhhh, such enthusiasm! Um, does she not realize that we spent hours wandering around campus looking for the perfect location? And then we conducted an online poll to select the perfect shot? And what do I get after all that? "I think the picture looks fine." Oh well, she looks a dozens of these photos every year so I suppose I can't expect her to do back flips.

We're still tracking toward the home visit on the 25th. I'm beginning to resign myself to the reality that our house will be only semi-complete. For example, the bathroom will be tiled but there will be no shower door yet. And the counter tops will be in but not the back splash. That kind of thing. Our counselor said that would be fine but I like things to be just so. Oh well, she'll see the finished product at the 2nd home visit.

Speaking of which, here's a quick outline of the rest of the process.

• Home visit on the 25th.
• An individual meeting with the counselor for both of us.
• Another home visit.
• Wait for profile to be completed.
• IN THE POOL

Basically being "in the pool" means that our letter and profile are being presented to birthfamilies. That's also the point at which every ring of the phone stops my heart. When I got the call that Lillian's birthmom had selected us, I was merging from Hwy 217 to Hwy 26 with my mom and sister in the car. It was a bit of a miracle that I managed to answer the phone, change lanes and write down the relevant info without crashing the car. You know, I think cars should come with reader boards for such an occasion. I should push a button and a sign should pop up on the roof that says "It's THE call." Then all the other cars should just move out of my way allowing for any appropriate reckless maneuvers on my part. Or I could just pull over next time. Or tell them I call back in a minute. Nah, I like the sign idea.

Postponing the Home Visit

Well, I pushed out the home visit to the 25th. That gives us 19 days to get the house in some semblance of normalcy. I can see that without some sort of deadline, a remodel could last indefinitely. But I'm learning that contractor time is sort of like dog years. Just multiply whatever they tell you by 3.

In the meanwhile, we wait and edit some paperwork.

• Dear birthparent letter: Thanks for voting on the photos! It was really valuable to have other people's perspective. We could choose the one we like but ultimately it's a marketing tool designed to attract the right birthfamily. So it's really more important that other people think it represents us well. I've updated the dear birthparent letter with the "zen garden" pic.



• Autobiographies: Our counselor sent back our autobiographies with some minor edits. We'll make the changes and then check that one off the list as well.

Other than that, we're working hard to get the house ready. We've decided to hire some of the work done to speed up the process. Now I'm just waiting to see how much that decision is going to cost.

Oh and we're talking about names and expectations and all the other stuff that parents-to-be think about. I'd like to convince people that we're gonna have twins and name them Diego and Dora but I can't seem to keep a straight face. (If you don't know who Dora and Diego are, you need to hang around more 3 year olds. Lillian loved Diego.)