What I Did On My Christmas Vacation

This has been the busiest vacation I have ever had! We have slept in 3 different beds in the last 3 days. Not that I'm complaining mind you but this has been a whirlwind. We flew home Friday night and due to flight delays arrived at our house at midnight. Just in time to crash in our own beds, open the suitcases, throw out the dirty clothes and re-pack clean clothes before hitting the road to Bend yesterday morning. Jeff decided to take the long, easy road in order to avoid the snowy pass. It took a little longer but was worth it. We arrived in Bend in time to grab dinner with Lillian's birthmom which was such a treat. Then today, we met a new birthmom and began forging a relationship. "Forging a relationship?!" That makes it sound like work which couldn't be further from reality.

We met this birthmom and the counselor at 10:30am and didn't stop chatting until the restaurant closed at 2pm. (We met in a little mom & pop restaurant in a small town outside of Bend so they keep their own hours I guess.) At around noon the counselor excused herself saying that we clearly didn't need her around. The conversation flowed naturally as we exchanged pictures and stories. We just adore her! She must like us too because she invited us to her doctor's appointment on Friday. So, back we go. We'll attend her doctor's appointment and then meet the counselor for a second mediation session.

It seems so real and so surreal all at the same time. We've got to call our pediatrician and call our lawyer and re-decorate the nursery in boy colors and install the car seat and...and...and... Oh well, it'll all get done. I know there is always a risk that this adoption may not go through. But we've decided to throw our whole heart into it with the hope that it goes well. Every baby deserves parents who are excitedly anticipating his/her arrival. I refuse to wait until it is "safe" to start loving this little boy.

The prayer requests are all praises today. Praise God for our safe travel. Praise God for this brave birthmom. Praise God for this beautiful baby. Praise God for bringing families together in many different ways.

The Call

WE GOT THE CALL!!!! I think my sister and mom are good luck charms. Three years ago, we got "the call" about Lillian when the three of us were in a car together. And today, as we were having a girls lunch in Arizona, we got "the call" about Lillian's brother. Yep, it's a boy!

Before we get too ahead of ourselves, I should explain that this is just the call to tell us that we have been selected to meet a birthparent. The next step will be to meet each other in a mediation session. If that goes well, we'll arrange another mediation session a few days later. Typically there is more time between mediation sessions but this will be a fast timeline as this baby is due on January 19th! Then there is the birth and paperwork to finalize the placement. Basically there are a lot of steps before this is official but in the meanwhile, I'm excited at the prospect of a new baby.

As usual, there are random and sometimes quirky connections that drew the birthmom to us. She loves the fact that Jeff is a stay-at-home Dad because she is very close to her father. She also likes that I am a career woman as that is her goal as well. The counselor describes her as a smart, go-getter who always thinks of other people first. In fact, we have been "on hold" for a while as this birthmother was interested in us but has been struggling with the decision and wanted to be sure before we were contacted. She sounds like a very special person and I can't wait to meet her.

We return to Oregon tomorrow and will arrange the 2 mediation meetings. They will take place around the Bend area as that is where the birthmom lives. So pray that the snow lightens up so we can make the drive. Please pray also that it would be clear whether we would be a good match for a lifelong commitment. I could easily get caught up in the excitement and want to make sure we're all making sound decisions. And pray for health and happiness for this little boy and his birthmom.

As the counselor said, Merry Christmas!

Lori & Jeff Plus XX

I had the rare treat of getting a mani/pedi last week and the manicurist made the mistake of asking me if I had kids. After the initial awkward banter, we moved into talk of the impending adoption. She kept telling me that she had a "feeling" we would end up with twins. The funny thing is that I've heard that from quite a few people. Couple that with my recent obsession with tv shows about large families (Jon & Kate +8, Kids By The Dozen, etc) and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm being prepared for "something." Maybe it's twice the wait for twice the kids. Or maybe that's just how I'm coping with the anticipation.

Regardless, I'm actually feeling okay with the wait right now...whether I'm waiting for one baby or an entire basketball team of babies. A ringing phone doesn't stop my heart anymore. I can even go an entire day without thinking about the adoption. Now that's progress!

I've got the room ready, bag packed and bottles washed leaving nothing to do but enjoy sleeping in. Cause when Dora & Diego...or the Harristrotters...or little H arrives, I'm sure sleep will be nothing but a distant memory.

Shopping Therapy

Ugh, no news yet. I'm resorting to periodic shopping therapy. How cute are these???

Waiting Families

I pictured the waiting families gathering a little something like this...

Several nervous couples lounging on the floor on over sized pillows gazing up at me in reverent silence as I expounded the virtues of open adoption. They would all be novices in this voyage but I would be their anchor. No, their lighthouse. Yes, a lighthouse stoically illuminating their path through the hazy waters. I would be that voice of experience that would calm their fears. We would build lifelong friendships out of this common journey to parenthood. And I...I would be the founder of this tight knit group.



Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech. Hi Reality, good to see you! Who invited you to the party?



I'm not sure why I thought we would be the only second timers in the crowd. Or why our experience would be relevant to the pre-selected topics of last minute placements and entrustment ceremonies. We had neither.


Let me remind you that we did not attend these gatherings during our last adoption process. But we thought we'd give it a shot this time. Part of the reason we attended was to be a reference tool for the other families. My other hope was that these discussions would calm my escalating anxiety.



We arrived at the host's home to discover that they had adopted a son in September of 2004, just one month before Lillian was born. Then in walked another mom with her three year old. We recognized her from the adoption seminar we both attended in January of 2004. Rounding out our little gathering was a couple soon to be in pool and three couples who joined the pool around the same time as we did.



Suddenly the pool seemed a whole lot more crowded. These are all eager, bright, loving couples who want the same thing as we do.



The host family casually mentioned that had been in the pool for a year. Pause here for my blood curdling scream: AAAAHHHH! I told Jeff that I would have to video conference into the waiting families gathering a year from now...from the funny farm. I will be mentally unstable if I wait a year. Did I mention...AAAAHHHHH! So much for calming my escalating anxiety.



The discussion began with the counselor asking if any of us had experienced a last minute placement. One mom told us about adopting a four-month old in a last minute placement. They were kayaking in the San Juan's when they got the call. The met the birthfamily on July 4th and were told to return the next day ready to take home their little girl. They didn't have a car seat. They only had infant clothes. They had formula but this child was allergic to dairy. She said they ran to the only store open at 8:30pm on the 4th of July and frantically grabbed other mothers in the aisles to ask what size a 4-month old would wear. After the counselor commented that many people get the call while taking a "last vacation," I suggested that we all go kayaking this weekend.



The families had many questions about the logistics of a last minute placement. How does the birthmother select an adoptive family? Do you go through mediation I & II? Are there ever disruptions in a last minute placement? How does insurance work? We sat and listened and picked up a couple of new pieces of information.



Then the conversation turned to entrustment ceremonies. These take a variety of forms but are generally the expression of both the adoptive and birth families' feelings prior to departing the hospital. The counselor said that almost every family has some sort of entrustment ceremony. (Huh, we didn't have an entrustment ceremony. Lillian's birthmom didn't think we needed something formal and we agreed.) Then the counselor remarked that these ceremonies are a very important part of the process. (We certainly didn't feel like anything was missing in our adoption process.) After she went on for some time about the value of being able to tell the child about this important ceremony, something in my head snapped. How dare she assert that those of us who did not conduct some tear filled gesture would not be able to tell our child how loved they are by their family. So I piped up and boldly remarked that we did not have an entrustment ceremony and didn't feel like we missed out on anything. The counselor asked how we left each other at the hospital. I told her that we took pictures together in the lobby, hugged everyone, promised to call once we got home, got in our cars and left. She just kind of smiled sadly and continued on about the importance of this exchange of emotions. The guy sitting next to me whispered conspiratorially that he didn't want to have a ceremony. Oh well, even if the counselor didn't agree with our process, it was satisfying to the people involved which is more important. AND these waiting families were able to hear an alternative point of view. I guess our experience was a valuable contribution to the evening after all.



After an hour and a half, our gathering came to a close. We said our goodbyes and jumped in our cars without exchanging so much as an e-mail address. Guess we won't be lifelong friends.



On the way home I told Jeff that I didn't want to go to another one of these gatherings except for the fact that I offered to host the next one! Well, I can continue to hope that by the time January rolls around, we will no longer be a waiting family and I will be relieved of my hosting duties. I'm beginning to have my doubts but a girl can hope...and pray.

Call Us!

It's been 2 weeks and I'm getting really sick of talking to telemarketers. But "no call goes unanswered," that's our motto. Even if it reads out "1-800-Ask4Monee" on the caller id, we answer. (Apparently in my mind, telemarketers can't spell...or count to 7.) Which means I've had the distinct pleasure of talking to some very interesting people. Last night, after I told the guy for the third time that I was not going to give him any money, he hung up on me. The nerve! How dare he hang up on ME! Especially when I was about to hang up on him. I hate it when my ideas are stolen.

RIIIIIIINNNNNG darn it.

Okay, I'm getting a little anxious. I know it's only been 2 weeks. And for the first 13 days, I was calm. Suddenly last night, the little switch in my brain flipped and I am on high alert. I think I'm even starting to imagine the phone ringing.

Next Tuesday we're going to attend the waiting families gathering through our agency. That way we can commiserate together...or whatever one does at these gatherings. I can only imagine the group reaction to a cell phone ringing in that meeting! I also offered to host one of these gatherings while secretly hoping that by the time they called on us to host we would no longer be a waiting family.

I'm plenty busy and there is much left to do on the house so it's not as though I sit around staring longingly at the phone. Calling the land line from my cell and my cell from the land line just to make sure they're working. Willing them to ring darn it, RING! Nope, none of that for me. I'm busy, busy, busy. I know God's timing is perfect so I will try to be patient. As you know, that is not my strong point so it will require great effort though. Ugh.

In the meanwhile, I am controlling...ahem, I mean influencing...what I can. Through a process of stalking that stops just short of a restraining order, I have managed to get our dear birthparent letter published on the website! Okay, it was just one little e-mail innocently inquiring as to whether they got all the requisite information for the posting. They confirmed that they got it. And the next day, voila! It's published. Check out our smiling faces. With that kind of marketing, I'm sure the phone will ring soon.

I said, I'M SURE THE PHONE WILL RING SOON.

COME ON, RING ALREADY!

Dear Lori (Part 3)

Dear Lori,

What happens in the event that you get picked by more than one family? Do you get to adopt multiple babies?

Signed,
Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,

No such luck. Unless this little baby happened to have requested a double instead of a single room, we have to wait a year between adoptions. In fact, our contract with the agency requires us to contact them if we get pregnant or adopt from another agency. They want adoptive parents to have dedicated time with their baby and birthfamily before jumping into the process again.

Funny enough, if you had asked me that question last time, I wouldn't have known the answer. I never thought to ask! This time we asked whether we could adopt from two birthfamilies at once. We're not getting any younger and as naive as this might sound, I think it would be easier to have twins than babies a year apart. At least with twins they are at the same developmental milestones. (I'm sure parents of multiples are getting a good chuckle out of my innocence.)

Most families in the pool are willing to adopt twins and we are no exception. The instances of twin adoptions are fairly rare at our agency which is not surprising considering that in the US, the odds of conceiving twins without fertility drugs is 12 per 1000. Despite the odds, with our last adoption, a birthfamily expecting twin boys pulled our profile but did not select us.

If a birthparent pulls our profile, the agency continues to send out our letter but flags our name internally. This indicates that a counselor should contact the counselor of the birthparent who pulled our profile before sending further information to their birthparent. Make sense? I can't imagine how, even I'm confused! But suffice it to say that the agency has ways of ensuring that the process is not overwhelming and that birthfamilies aren't fighting over us. Hey, it could happen...

Thanks for the question!
Lori

The Pool

First, the results of the last poll!!! Drum roll please...


How long will we wait before being matched with a birthfamily?

65% - 1-3 months, about the same as last time
17% - 3-6 months, you'll have time to finish all the projects at home
13% - Less than a month, stock up on diapers today!
1% - 6-12 months, average is good
0% - A year or more, plenty of time to catch up on sleep


Generally an optimistic crowd! I like the way you think.


We received the "dear birthparent" packet last week along with the official letter welcoming us to the pool. This is the same packet of letters that is given to any birthparent that contacts the agency. It is sorted in chronological order with those who have been in the pool the longest at the beginning. And lemme tell ya, I devour this packet like some sort of starving animal. This is my process. First, I flip through and look at the photos to get a feel for the competition.


(I know it's terrible that I think of it as a competition. Take comfort in the knowledge that all of these deserving parents will have a baby to love eventually. So it's really not a competition in that we all have our own finish line and prize awaiting us. Now that I've justified my poor sportsmanship, I'll get back to the point.)


Next, I dissect the pool statistically. What can I say? I'm the daughter of a math teacher. We like numbers.

• There are 53 waiting families in the pool right now.
• 26 are gay or lesbian couples (49%)
• 17 are male/female couples with a child (32%)
• 7 are male/female couples with no children (13%)
• 3 are single (6%)

Finally I read each of their letters. And I don't mind telling you that I want to be adopted by some of these families. (No offense Mom & Dad. You were still my first choice.) They are each amazing and different and yet joined by this collective desire to be parents. Also interestingly, at least 3 of the families with a child were in the pool with us last time.

Well, that is my summation of the pool. I imagine that a birthparent goes through a similar process. Checking out the photos. Choosing the family make-up that they like best (gay, straight, single, have children, etc). Then reading the letters with awe, sadness and hope. What a sense of responsibility to know that they hold someone else's happiness in the palm of their hand (or the womb of their body in this case). I am constantly humbled by their courage and generosity.

The other interesting part of the pool is discovering that a few families have specified a specific gender. We were cautioned in our first adoption that specifying a gender dramatically reduces your odds for a match. About 1/3 of the birthparents haven't found out what they are having. And another 1/3 are having the opposite gender. So you've effectively narrowed your available choices by 2/3. We still picture ourselves with a girl because that's what we're used to. But we will be thrilled with any child (or children) that God blesses us with. What gender do you think we'll have? Mark your answer on this week's poll.

Oblivious Babies R Us Lady

Jeff and I were in Babies R Us on Wednesday buying a cartload of bottles, diapers and onesies. Neither of us could remember how many bottles we needed so I did the quick math. Let's see, they eat every 3 hours so that's 8 bottles per day. HOLY COW! How quickly we forget! But I digress, that's not the story I wanted to share.

While browsing in the health care aisle, I said to Jeff "I think we need another pair of nail clippers."

"You're kidding," he replied.

"Well, they get dull pretty quickly."

A young woman with a petite baby bump holding 2 pair of nail clippers and looking a little lost said, "do you already have a child?"

"Yes, we did." I reply cautiously.

::Silence::

"She actually passed away last April," I add.

"Oh, well did you get to clip her nails?" she asks. [Ed note: Clearly she has a one-track mind.]

"Yes, of course."

"Well, do you really need these clippers or can you just use what you've got at home?" she asked.

"Well, you can certainly use what you've got at home as long as they're small enough to cut tiny fingernails and big enough to get a good grip. It's kind of hard to hold on to squirming little hands and nail clippers at the same time."

"Oh." She still looks perplexed.

"When are you due?" I asked, trying to be polite.

"I'm 36 weeks along." she replies beaming.

Stunned that this adorable little bump could house a 36 week old baby I regroup and reply, "Wow, not much longer then huh? You'll have a great Christmas present."

"Yep, we're actually hoping for Thanksgiving even though my doctor is going to be on vacation."

"Good luck!" I say encouragingly.

"Thanks. When are you due?" she asks.

::Silence::

"Uh, we're adopting so it could be anytime."

"Oh great! Congratulations! Good luck!!!" she responds with enthusiasm and rounds the corner out of view.

Clearly I need work out.

SPLASH!!!

We're in!!! (And we've never looked better if you believe that this picture is us...) It will probably take a week or two before our letter is on the website but the hardcopy is being presented to birthfamilies right now! It's hard to believe we're so close to having another baby in our home.

But before we get ahead of ourselves, let me remind you that the average wait in the pool is 10 1/2 months. We waited about a month before being selected by Lillian's birthmom who was 6 months pregnant at the time. The wait is the hardest part so let's keep busy with some good old fashioned guessing games. First one, how long will we wait? Check out the poll to enter your guess.

Prayer requests:

• Patience, patience and more patience for us as we wait
• Wisdom and courage for the birthfamily

Making the Drop

Shhhhh...I'm making the drop. Okay, it's not a covert operation but I am handing off a non-descript manila envelope today. AT THE ADOPTION AGENCY! Yipee!!! 200 glorious copies of our "dear birthparent" letter and 15 copies of our photo collage. I'll mail another 100 copies of the letter and 5 copies of the photo collage to the Seattle office. I decided to hand deliver the copies to the Portland office because it's seems a waste to mail them such a short distance...and it's just more fun to drop them off in person. With this delivery, our work prior to entering the pool will be complete. Once our counselor completes her portion of the profile, we'll be in the pool. SPLASH! She works Mon, Tues and every other Wednesday so I would guess we will be in the pool sometime next week.

Since I'm sure you're just dying to know what they look like, here is our letter and collage. Do you think it accurately represents us? Sometimes I feel like I'm talking about somebody else. It's just strange to try to market yourself. How do you describe your life and your beliefs in 1 page? And how do you sum up your life in 5 pages of photos? Well, this is our attempt. What do you think?

Transcript of the letter so you can actually read it:

Dear birthparents,

We are Jeff and Lori, high school sweethearts who have been together for 18 years and have been married for 13 of those years. We are thankful that we have had so much time together already to build a stable and loving relationship. And we look forward to many happy years together with our growing family.

We struggled with infertility for some time before we decided that what we really want is to be parents rather than pregnant. We were thrilled to welcome a beautiful baby girl into our lives in 2004, through open adoption. After two wonderful years, our hearts were broken when she passed away from a rare brain tumor. Lillian was a delight in every sense and we miss her terribly. But she taught us not to waste a minute of this precious life, so we are looking forward to welcoming another child into our family.

Jeff has been busy completing a major remodel of our home. Through that process, he uncovered skills he didn’t know he had! Whether scooting up and down the river in his jet boat or walking through a forest, he is happiest when he is among nature. And he is looking forward to sharing his love of the outdoors with our child. Since we believe that a child’s early development is best served by parental care and attention, Jeff will be a stay at home dad again.

Lori is a strategic planning director for a large sport and fitness company in Oregon. She enjoys the responsibilities of leadership and believes that many of the same skills apply to being a parent as well. Her greatest joy was being a mommy and she is looking forward to sharing giggles and stories with another child. When she is not working, she likes to explore her creative side. Lori is a member of our church’s drama group where she writes and performs plays and sketches.

As a couple, we enjoy camping, entertaining and playing all types of games. We both enjoy cooking and will offer our children diverse and healthy food choices including meat and vegetarian dishes. From large holiday gatherings to impromptu activities, we also spend a lot of time with our families. Most of our extended family is local and they all look forward to welcoming the new members of our family, including you.

Our home is in a family friendly suburb of Portland. It is on a large lot complete with a new play structure. Our children will also enjoy a large playroom which is filled with toys and books. We want to offer our children opportunities and experiences that allow them to explore their talents and find what makes them truly happy. As committed Christians, we look forward to raising our children with the strong values and loving beliefs of our faith.

Once again, we are choosing open adoption because it is focused on what is healthiest for the child. We still enjoy a close relationship with Lillian’s birthmom and birth grandparents. Similarly, we will honor and respect your relationship with your child. We are inspired by your courage in making a plan for your child and want to thank you for considering open adoption.

Best wishes,
Jeff & Lori

Individual Appointment

On an interview or first date, you try to put your best foot forward and in doing so, you show a tenth of the person you truly are. You reveal just the parts that you think the other person will be attracted to. But sooner or later, things "stop being polite and start getting real." (You like that MTV Real World reference?) We don't want that reality to hit with a birthfamily after a baby is born. We want to find a mutual attraction right off the bat that builds into an organic relationship. We don't want to find ourselves forcing visits to meet our contractual agreement. We want to truly enjoy each other's company. So we looked forward to each meeting with our counselor as an opportunity to reveal more of ourselves.

Last time we were anticipating these adoption meetings, it was with a great deal of apprehension and uncertainty. I think we expected that we were being judged. Like our counselor was taking some sort of uber-complete inventory of our parenting abilities that would culminate in the delivery of her verdict.

With a slight nod of her head, she proclaimed "Yes, you have been deemed to be fit parents. Here is your baby now go forth and parent well."

Fortunately that couldn't be further from the truth. Our individual meetings were as painless and invasive as all the prior meetings. Our counselor used the historical information from the last adoption and just asked us questions where she felt there might be updates. She asked us about our parenting experience and our grieving process.

In my individual meeting, we reached the end and I was silently patting myself on the back for holding it together despite these emotional questions. But just as quickly as she said "I think that's it," she changed her mind and said "oh, just one more thing." Darn it, so close! Then she dropped the bomb. "The answer to this question might be different than last time. What are you most proud of? Or what is your greatest accomplishment?" And with that, the floodgates were opened. LILLIAN!!!! I'm most proud of my beautiful, strong, brave little girl!!! Nothing else in my life compares to the joy of being her mommy. Now I can sit through entire meetings and carry on productive conversations with tears streaming down my cheeks so I'm completely used to this by now. Sympathetically, our dear counselor told me to take a minute. Oh boy, a minute is never quite long enough. So I told her that we were gonna have to power through. And with that, the individual meeting came to an unceremonious end. Oh well, that's the way this roller coaster goes!

The good news is she thinks we will be in the pool in just a couple of weeks!!! We can't believe how quickly things are moving this time around. And as I told Jeff, I have been holding back on the baby shopping but once we're in the pool, we will need to re-stock the necessities. Just diapers, formula, bottles, etc. but even those simple supplies will be such fun to buy again.

Home Visit(s)

On Sunday afternoon, I slumped in a chair and told Jeff we needed to postpone the home visit. We were both exhausted. We had already admitted defeat on the "easy to install" cork floors. The counter tops wouldn't be in. The sinks, faucets, appliances, plumbing fixtures, etc wouldn't be in. And I had just spent the last 2 hours cleaning the dining room. We still had the play room, living room, bedroom, Lillian's room and 2 bathrooms left to clean. At 2 hours each, there just was not enough time to get ready for the home visit. Fortunately Jeff talked me off the ledge and busied himself with the playroom. I got a 2nd...or 3rd...or 20th wind and went to work on our bedroom. By the time our heads hit the pillows that night, we were nearly ready.

Which brings me to today. The good news is we completed the home visit. The great news is that our counselor has spent the last 6 years remodeling every surface of her own home and could easily relate to our partial state of completion. The excellent news is that we got BOTH home visits done today. Wooohoooo! Generally they do 2 home visits because it takes about 4 hours to gather all the information for the profile. But because much of our info hasn't changed from last time, we could just fill in any gaps from the past couple of years. Here's a partial list of what we discussed:

• Our childhood experience
• A typical day in our house
• A typical weekend
• What we like to do as a couple
• What we appreciate about each other
• Religion
• Values
• Parenting philosophy
• Discipline strategy
• Financial situation
• Neighborhood
• Detailed description of our home and property
• Jobs including travel and daily schedule
  

Now you can see why it takes 4 hours! Adoption is certainly not an overnight decision. It requires a lot of soul searching preparation. If only all parents had to spend this kind of time thinking about how they would parent...

The final discussion today was also the screening tool. Adoptive families outline their openness to everything from race to gender to exposure to a variety of drugs and alcohol. This list is then cross referenced to potential birthfamilies. Only birthfamilies who match our preferences will receive our letter and profile.

With both home visits completed, that just leaves our individual meetings. We have scheduled those for October 8th (Lori) and 9th (Jeff). Then we wait for our counselor to complete the profile before we will officially be in the pool! I can't believe it's moving so quickly. By the end of the month, we will likely be in the pool. And then the nerve racking wait really begins.

Adoption is a bitter sweet process. Our joy comes from someone else's pain. Lately I've imagined a young woman distraught to discover that she is pregnant. And she is making this incredible decision on what to do next. I pray that somehow she finds out about open adoption. I pray she is brave enough to choose adoption. I pray God brings us together.

Looking Fine

Well, I forwarded the "zen garden" picture to our counselor for approval. Her overwhelming response was "I think the picture looks fine." Ahhhhh, such enthusiasm! Um, does she not realize that we spent hours wandering around campus looking for the perfect location? And then we conducted an online poll to select the perfect shot? And what do I get after all that? "I think the picture looks fine." Oh well, she looks a dozens of these photos every year so I suppose I can't expect her to do back flips.

We're still tracking toward the home visit on the 25th. I'm beginning to resign myself to the reality that our house will be only semi-complete. For example, the bathroom will be tiled but there will be no shower door yet. And the counter tops will be in but not the back splash. That kind of thing. Our counselor said that would be fine but I like things to be just so. Oh well, she'll see the finished product at the 2nd home visit.

Speaking of which, here's a quick outline of the rest of the process.

• Home visit on the 25th.
• An individual meeting with the counselor for both of us.
• Another home visit.
• Wait for profile to be completed.
• IN THE POOL

Basically being "in the pool" means that our letter and profile are being presented to birthfamilies. That's also the point at which every ring of the phone stops my heart. When I got the call that Lillian's birthmom had selected us, I was merging from Hwy 217 to Hwy 26 with my mom and sister in the car. It was a bit of a miracle that I managed to answer the phone, change lanes and write down the relevant info without crashing the car. You know, I think cars should come with reader boards for such an occasion. I should push a button and a sign should pop up on the roof that says "It's THE call." Then all the other cars should just move out of my way allowing for any appropriate reckless maneuvers on my part. Or I could just pull over next time. Or tell them I call back in a minute. Nah, I like the sign idea.

Postponing the Home Visit

Well, I pushed out the home visit to the 25th. That gives us 19 days to get the house in some semblance of normalcy. I can see that without some sort of deadline, a remodel could last indefinitely. But I'm learning that contractor time is sort of like dog years. Just multiply whatever they tell you by 3.

In the meanwhile, we wait and edit some paperwork.

• Dear birthparent letter: Thanks for voting on the photos! It was really valuable to have other people's perspective. We could choose the one we like but ultimately it's a marketing tool designed to attract the right birthfamily. So it's really more important that other people think it represents us well. I've updated the dear birthparent letter with the "zen garden" pic.



• Autobiographies: Our counselor sent back our autobiographies with some minor edits. We'll make the changes and then check that one off the list as well.

Other than that, we're working hard to get the house ready. We've decided to hire some of the work done to speed up the process. Now I'm just waiting to see how much that decision is going to cost.

Oh and we're talking about names and expectations and all the other stuff that parents-to-be think about. I'd like to convince people that we're gonna have twins and name them Diego and Dora but I can't seem to keep a straight face. (If you don't know who Dora and Diego are, you need to hang around more 3 year olds. Lillian loved Diego.)

New Photo

Why, oh why, must we take another picture? The last one is only a few years old. And it was taken in my pre-hospital-weight years. *Sigh* Those were the days. But, rules are rules so off we went.

• Photographer - We begged. We pleaded. We bribed. And finally, the world renowned photographer that took the photo for our last adoption agreed to come out of retirement and shoot us again. Okay, it's Jeff's sister and it only took one phone call. Thanks Michelle!

• Wardrobe - We lacked inspiration in the wardrobe department and elected to don the same ensembles as last time. Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

• Location - Don't laugh...we decided to shoot at the campus where Michelle and I work. They pay a ton of cash to keep the campus beautiful so why not take advantage of the scenery?

• The Result - We got 3 decent choices before the battery ran dead on our camera. Vote for your fav using the poll at the right and maybe, just maybe, your choice could end up on our "dear birthparent" letter. Act now! Time is limited.

Some restrictions apply. No purchase necessary. Void in Maine, Delaware and Rhode Island. See package for details. Limited to supply on hand. Despite all of these warnings, there is no real prize in this contest. Just the satisfaction of getting a vote.

Option 1 (the park bench)

Option 2 (the wind blown look)

Option 3 (the zen garden)

The winner by a hair...THE ZEN GARDEN. (Get it, by a hair? Cause it just beat the windblown look. That's funny stuff.)

The park bench (4%)

The wind blown look (41%)

The zen garden (54%)

Nothing New

Nothing new to report. Jeff got his physical but I forgot to give him the form for the doctor to fill out. So I'm working on having the form completed. Other than that...we're just waiting for the home visit.

And we're waiting for the plumbers to start on Friday so the house has a CHANCE of being presentable for our existing home visit scheduled for September 10th. Granite will be installed on the 7th so we'll be cutting it very close. Yes, I STILL know I could push out the home visit but aren't you getting sick of waiting? I know I am. We have individual appointments and another home visit after this one which requires yet more waiting. So we're gonna try to make September 10th work...

Guilty Pleasure

After Lillian passed away, when people would ask me how I was doing, I was careful to say "okay" or "not too bad". Every once in a while I would slip and respond with the traditional "good". Which inevitably would be met with "good as can be expected I suppose." Instant guilt. I know that wasn't the intention but grief is a strange thing. One minute you're a weeping wreck and the next minute you're actually doing good. Not as good as can be expected but good. Granted those minutes are few and far between at times. It was interesting feeling guilty about feeling good.

As Jeff and I get excited about a new baby, it too is not without a fair share of guilt. It's as though we're not supposed to look forward to a future without Lillian. I wish with all my heart that Lillian was here to join us in welcoming a new brother or sister. Because that's the way I'm looking at this adoption. People have commented that we can't replace Lillian and that is true. But like any parent with more than one child, we can find room in our hearts to love another baby. And that baby will be Lillian's brother or sister even if they won't have a chance to meet on this side of eternity.

So I am wrestling with how to tie the past and the future together. How do we tell this new baby about their big sister? Do the pictures stay up as though our beautiful two year old is frozen in time? How do I remember all the moments with Lillian while new memories are forming everyday with a new baby? While this adoption feels so right, I am praying for wisdom in how to make this transition.

Wanted: Plumber

What does a plumber have to do with adoption? More than even I would have guessed. I'll spare you the details but let's just say the many plumbing contractors we've met have either been 1) a touch on the shady side, 2) not completely honest with their job schedules or 3) unreliable to show up or even give a bid.

"Okay, you're in a pickle. But I still don't understand what this has to do with adoption."

The home visit! The next step is a home visit. Which means the home must be in some semblance of order. And all work is on hold waiting for the plumbing. Let me map out the timeline:

• Plumbing +1 days - drywall bathroom
• Plumbing +2 days - install cabinets
• Plumbing +3 days - template counter tops (14 days for fabrication)
• Plumbing +4 days - start flooring, tile, trim, etc & install tub
• Plumbing +16 days - finish flooring, tile, trim, etc
• Plumbing +17 days - install counter tops
• Plumbing +18 days - install sinks, faucets
• Plumbing +19 days - final electrical connections
• Plumbing +20 days - finish details (install knobs, paint, decorate...)
  

So if we work like dogs, it will take 20 days after the plumbing is complete before we would be ready for a home visit. And that's if I can get the other contractors (cabinets, counter tops, electrical) back out on the appropriate dates. Right now we have a plumber scheduled to start on August 24th and end on August 28th. Add the 20 days and that puts completion at September 18th. 8 days after our scheduled home visit.

Now I could push out the home visit. I could be patient. Stop laughing, I know I'm not patient but I could be. C'mon, doesn't it seem ridiculous to have the remodel and the adoption on hold waiting for a PLUMBER? So I thought I'd put out the call for help and see if anyone knows of a good plumber looking for some immediate work. I know it's a long shot...but what have I got to lose?

Application & Intake Interview

We just got back from our first adoption appointment, the Application and Intake Interview. Unlike last time, I wasn't nervous. I think it helps that we knew what to expect. Typically this meeting is an opportunity for the counselor to learn more about us and understand our adoption vision. Since we already know the counselor, we spent the majority of the time catching up on the last three years.


Jeff and I have been discussing how blessed we were to have such a great relationship with Lillian's birthfamily. And that we would love to have a girl again (the pink room is already set up after all). What we have come to realize is that we cannot have the same expectations for this next adoption. We are opening ourselves fully to whatever baby and birthfamily God chooses to connect us with. Interestingly, one of the points the counselor made today was exactly that. It's good to see that we're on the same page.

Knowing what to expect also means being ahead of the paperwork game. Though typically this paperwork is completed toward the end of the process, we have eagerly submitted:

• Dear Birthparent letter - This is sent to all birthfamilies and is the way they narrow their choices. They are also posting these letters online now so you can see some examples on the OA&FS website. You know that saying "you never get a second chance to make a first impression"? Well, this is the first impression. We tried to use the same photo as last time (seen above) but they want us to get an updated one. So what if my hair is 6 inches shorter? Sheesh. Ugh, I guess it's picture time.


• Autobiography - One for each parent. 3-5 pages recapping your life, values, experiences, etc. Try getting all that into 3 pages! These autobiographies are included in the vast packet of information sent to a birthfamily once they have narrowed their choices. (Once we're in the pool, if we get really anxious we can ask how many times our "packet" has been sent out. It's a good indicator on how well your Dear Birthparent letter is resonating.)


• Photo collage - 3-5 page collage of casual pictures reflecting our family, home, vacations, hobbies, etc. This is also included in the "packet" and gives a realistic view of our lives. Last time we put this together, I had NO digital photos. How's that for progress? This time, I used exclusively digital photos and put the collage together on the computer. It was much easier. But the pictures only reflect the last 3 years of our lives so we made need to dig into the ole hard copy pics.


• Letters of reference - My wonderful friends and family have already turned in letters for us. Wow, you guys are fast! We need 5 letters of reference - one of which needs to be from a neighbor. That neighbor piece is new. We only know our neighbors superficially so I'm hoping that a friend who lives a few blocks away will count. Or as Jeff pointed out, the neighbors can just tell them that we are quiet and went for walks with Lillian frequently. Wouldn't that make for a glowing recommendation?!

We also signed the agency contract detailing the process and our commitment. And we paid for the next step in the process. Speaking of which, the next step is a home visit planned for September 10th. I would prefer that this was sooner but the house realistically won't be put together before September. What a great motivator to finish this remodel...

Dear Lori (Part 2)

Dear Lori,

Just curious - and of course, you don't have to answer if you don't want to...obviously, it's your blog...anyway, here's the question...How much does it cost to do a local adoption?

Signed,
Curious about Costs


Dear Curious,

I don't mind talking about the high finances of adoption. According to the always-accurate Internet, private adoptions range in price from $5k-$40k. International adoptions from $7k-$30k. And public agency adoptions from $0-$2k. Adoptions through our agency run about $20,000.

I'm sure you're thinking that you're in the wrong line of work. Wanna get rich? Start an adoption agency, right? Wrong. Our agency is non-profit. *Gasp* Yep, you heard right...they don't make any money. Then, where is all that money going? Okay, you asked for it. In true math fashion, here is our story problem for today:

With 3 offices in Oregon and Washington, OA&FS places on average 50 children per year. At $20k per adoption, they earn about $1.0m per year. They offer free counseling for all pregnant parents and lifelong counseling for all birthfamilies in addition to facilitating the adoptions and educating the public about open adoption. Based on the services they offer, their expenses include legal fees, operating costs, staff wages and benefits, marketing, etc. In wages alone, how many people could they employee if they paid on average $50,000 per year? (Put your calculator away, the answer is 20.)

Now I don't know how many people they employ or what they pay but I do know that $1.0m doesn't go very far in the business world. It's easy to see how $20k per adoption can still leave them coming up short. And to be clear, in case there are any questions, the birthparents aren't getting any compensation.

The good news is that there is a federal tax credit, for those who qualify, to make adoption more affordable. And my company is one of many that offers an adoption expense reimbursement program. For 2007 the federal tax credit is around $11k and my company will reimburse up to $4k in expenses. It's warms my heart to see government and business working to make adoption more affordable.

I hope that helps shed some light on the wonderful world of adoption financing. But when it comes right down to it, can you put a price on the happiness that a baby brings?

Signed,
Lori

Details

I think I may have skipped a couple of steps when I announced our adoption. Oh, I don't know, stuff like the when, where, why and how of it all. So let me step back a moment and give you the details. Let's start from the very beginning...

Why adopt?

I know pregnancy is a really important part of the process for many people and I don't want to say anything negative about fertility treatments. In fact, I'm impressed by people who stick with fertility treatments. The invasive tests, nauseating meds and monthly roller coaster of emotions were certainly more than I cared to deal with. For us, adoption is the perfect road to parenthood.
We don't feel the need to be pregnant, we just want to be parents. If God chooses to give us a baby the old fashioned way, super! But I'm not interested in going to extreme measures to have a biological child when there are so many babies in need of good families.

Where are you adopting from?

We are adopting a domestic baby through an open adoption. (Boy, "domestic baby" sounds weird.) Our agency is Open Adoption & Family Services. OA&FS completes the most domestic infant and newborn adoptions in Oregon and Washington. I know a lot of people are adopting internationally these days. In fact, the number one question I was asked when people found out Lillian was adopted was "where is she from?". It always seemed goofy to respond "Salem." We just prefer open adoption which is easiest with a local birthfamily.

Why open adoption?

We choose open adoption because we believe it is healthiest for the child. Traditionally the two questions that plague adopted children are "who do I look like" and "why was I given up." When the birth family continues to have a relationship with the child, those questions seem to fade into the background.

How long will it take before you get a baby?

Who knows?! With open adoption, the birthparents select the adoptive parents. It will probably take us several months before we complete the requisites and are included in the pool of waiting parents. After that, we just wait anxiously until a birthparent selects us. The average wait is 10.5 months.

With Lillian, we made the first call to the agency almost exactly 40 weeks before she was born. Coincidence? I think not. It took 5 months to complete all the requisites. We entered the pool in June, were matched with her birthmom in July and Lillian was born in October. Although it was wonderful to have that time to get to know her birthmom, that tends to be the exception rather than the rule. 24% of placements are "last minute" which means you are contacted when the birthmom is in the hospital giving birth. Eek!

Hopefully this helps explain a few of those missing details about our adoption. Now for the latest updates. I got my blood work back today and as expected, I'm as healthy as a horse. And the agency called today to schedule our first meeting called the Application and Intake Meeting. We will be working with the same counselor as we had with Lillian. She's great but works only a few days a week so scheduling can be tough. Luckily my new job has much fewer meetings so my schedule is more flexible than before. So, we're on for Monday, August 6th. Yeah for progress!!!

Dear Lori

I'd love to answer your questions about adoption. I don't claim to be an expert but as you well know, I'm not shy about giving my honest point of view. So post your questions and I'll try to answer them either in the comments or in a separate post. We'll call this the "Dear Lori" series. Here's our first question:

Dear Lori,
I've had several friends adopt babies. It is really hard to know how to talk to them! Seriously - even though I struggled with infertility for 7 years before my first baby was born - there seems to be this invisible divider between "us" with normal pregnancies and "them" who can't (or don't). Does that make sense? Anyway, I'd love it if you'd write about the right and wrong things to say.

Signed,

Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,

Either I'm not that sensitive or everyone has been blessed with the right words to say but I haven't experienced many inappropriate moments. Since that wouldn't be a very helpful response from an advice columnist, I'll give you my top 5 list of what not to say.

1. "Do you know Johnny's* 'real mom'?" - Uh yeah, that's me. I'm his "real mom." I doubt anyone would question that as the people who cared for Lillian every minute of every day, Jeff and I were her "real parents." That brings us to what we should call the person who gave birth to the child. Personally, I prefer the title birthmom over biological mom or natural mom. To me it honors the relationship and reflects the gift of life. "Biological" seems cold and "natural" makes it sound like being an adoptive mom is unnatural or something.


2. "Was Johnny's* birthmom on drugs/really young/other negative stereotype?" - Not only does this insult the genetic heritage of the child but it's just plain disrespectful. This is an area of greatest misconceptions. At our agency, the average age of a birthmom is 25. 43% of the children placed experienced no prenatal drug or alcohol exposure and another 23% experienced only mild exposure. Regardless of the statistics, imagine the strength of character required to endure a pregnancy and delivery only to allow someone else to raise this beautiful baby. There are many other seemingly easier options but these brave birthparents choose to put their child's needs above their own. Birthfamilies are the true heroes of adoption and should be treated as such.


3. "Aren't you afraid that Johnny's* birthfamily is going to want him back?" - Well if I wasn't before, I am now...thanks a lot. Once the birthparents have signed consents (about 48 hours after the birth), they have terminated their parental rights. And Oregon law favors adoptive parents. But really, why even bring this up? Don't parents have enough to worry about?


4. "Once you adopt, you'll get pregnant." - Oh really? When did you become an expert in this area? I honestly think this happened to one couple in the history of the world and somehow EVERYONE knows them. It's like the 6 degrees of the adoptive parents who miraculously conceived. Sarcasm aside for a moment (which is hard for me to do), this rarely happens. And if it does happen to us, yippee! More kids to love. Oooo, and we can become the stuff of urban legend.


5. "Can't you have children of your own?" - Adopted children or biological children, they are my own. 'Nough said.

Don't be afraid to say the wrong thing. As long as you are approaching the subject with a genuine desire to learn and without any preconceived stereotypes, I for one, won't be offended. But in return, don't be offended if I correct a mistake. That's how we all learn.

Sincerely,
Lori

*To make my life easier, the adoptive child in these scenarios will be referred to as "Johnny". He/she/the child/etc was just too confusing to write.

Let's Get Physical

One of the forms that is due a little later on is a health report from our primary care physician. Unfortunately it requires that a physical examination be conducted within the last six months. Ugh. Since I haven't been to the doctor in 3 years (the last time I needed the health report form), it was time to make an appointment.

So, I called yesterday and to my great joy (said with great sarcasm), they had a last minute cancellation for 9am today. As much as I wanted to let Jeff take this one, the next several available appointments conflicted with my schedule. Alas, I had to go first.

It's not like a physical is a big deal but I don't understand the concept of going to the doctor when nothing is wrong. Isn't that just inviting trouble? I know, I know, it's called preventative medicine. I don't know if you've noticed, but doctor's waiting rooms are filled with sick people! Yes, sick people! So if you weren't sick when you arrived, there is a pretty good chance you will be when you leave.

Oh well, a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do. I arrived early and there was already a line. The woman in front of me proceeded to cough repeated into a partially open hand. And the open hand was pointed at me! What?! It's like she was guiding the germs directly to me. And since she was at the doctor's office, I can only assume she has some sort of airborne infectious disease. Only time will tell I suppose.

After 2 hours, 1 tetanus shot, blood work and the dreaded weigh-in, I was back on my way to work with the completed health report in hand. I guess it's good to have that out of the way. Now, it's Jeff's turn.

Step 1: Forms

July 12, 2007
10:02 am

Our adoption process has officially begun!

Not to be anti-climactic but the first step in the adoption process is simply calling the agency and ordering the packet of forms. Because we've adopted through this agency before, we are able to skip the initial step which is an orientation seminar. Alas, that is the only step that is skipped. And really, there shouldn't be any shortcuts to adopting a baby.

We received the packet this weekend and are mailing the forms today! How's that for a quick turnaround?! When we adopted Lillian, they gave us a big packet of forms that we had to fill out by hand. Then once we submitted them, they asked us to re-do a couple of them electronically. I opened my files and a 3.5" hard disk fell out. This time we received a big folder that contained only a cd. What a difference 3 years makes!

Here's the list of forms in this packet, prepare to be amazed:

• Intake form (1 per parent) - General stats similar to what you would fill out at a doctor's office
• Adoptive Family Information form - Details on each parent's history including occupation, education, physical characteristics, heritage, hobbies, etc. And a brief summary of child care plans and values, experiences and opportunities that we plan to offer our child.
• Financial form - Detailed summary of income and expenses.
• Health history (1 per parent) - Detailed family medical history for self and relatives. I guess they want to make sure we'll be around to raise this kid?
• Grievance policy form - Agreement not to go postal or sue them or anything.
• Release of information (1 per parent ) - Signing away our rights to any sliver of privacy that may have existed. Oh well, we've got nothin' to hide.
• Acknowledgement of Adoption Assistance Availability - Hmmm, this is a new one. We've signed it but have no idea what it's for. Guess I'd better call them and ask...
• Authorization for Credit Background Check (1 per parent)- Yep, they even check our credit report.
• Consent for Criminal Records Check (1 per parent) - Enables the Department of Human Services to check for any criminal history including any child abuse claims.
• Copy of Federal Income Tax Return - I guess this is making sure you didn't lie on your financial statement.

Once we complete and return the forms, an adoption counselor will contact us to arrange our first of many meetings. The paperwork is overwhelming. The wait is stifling. But the outcome is SOOOOOOO worth it. Adoption is a lot less spontaneous than the traditional method of making a baby but hey, it works!

We're Having A Baby

We've decided to adopt again! I'm so excited it makes my heart skip a beat everytime I think about it. We still miss Lillian every minute of every day and I don't see that ever changing. But if there is one thing we have learned, it is not to waste a minute. So, we're having a baby!

You may be wondering why we don't try fertility treatments. Or what is involved with adoption. Or when this bundle of joy will be ours. Well, we'd like to answer all those questions and more through this blog. Our hope is that through this journal, you would share our joy, pray with us and learn a little about this road to parenthood.

Oh, and I'll still be posting my own random thoughts on my other blog so don't forget to check it out too.