Details

I think I may have skipped a couple of steps when I announced our adoption. Oh, I don't know, stuff like the when, where, why and how of it all. So let me step back a moment and give you the details. Let's start from the very beginning...

Why adopt?

I know pregnancy is a really important part of the process for many people and I don't want to say anything negative about fertility treatments. In fact, I'm impressed by people who stick with fertility treatments. The invasive tests, nauseating meds and monthly roller coaster of emotions were certainly more than I cared to deal with. For us, adoption is the perfect road to parenthood.
We don't feel the need to be pregnant, we just want to be parents. If God chooses to give us a baby the old fashioned way, super! But I'm not interested in going to extreme measures to have a biological child when there are so many babies in need of good families.

Where are you adopting from?

We are adopting a domestic baby through an open adoption. (Boy, "domestic baby" sounds weird.) Our agency is Open Adoption & Family Services. OA&FS completes the most domestic infant and newborn adoptions in Oregon and Washington. I know a lot of people are adopting internationally these days. In fact, the number one question I was asked when people found out Lillian was adopted was "where is she from?". It always seemed goofy to respond "Salem." We just prefer open adoption which is easiest with a local birthfamily.

Why open adoption?

We choose open adoption because we believe it is healthiest for the child. Traditionally the two questions that plague adopted children are "who do I look like" and "why was I given up." When the birth family continues to have a relationship with the child, those questions seem to fade into the background.

How long will it take before you get a baby?

Who knows?! With open adoption, the birthparents select the adoptive parents. It will probably take us several months before we complete the requisites and are included in the pool of waiting parents. After that, we just wait anxiously until a birthparent selects us. The average wait is 10.5 months.

With Lillian, we made the first call to the agency almost exactly 40 weeks before she was born. Coincidence? I think not. It took 5 months to complete all the requisites. We entered the pool in June, were matched with her birthmom in July and Lillian was born in October. Although it was wonderful to have that time to get to know her birthmom, that tends to be the exception rather than the rule. 24% of placements are "last minute" which means you are contacted when the birthmom is in the hospital giving birth. Eek!

Hopefully this helps explain a few of those missing details about our adoption. Now for the latest updates. I got my blood work back today and as expected, I'm as healthy as a horse. And the agency called today to schedule our first meeting called the Application and Intake Meeting. We will be working with the same counselor as we had with Lillian. She's great but works only a few days a week so scheduling can be tough. Luckily my new job has much fewer meetings so my schedule is more flexible than before. So, we're on for Monday, August 6th. Yeah for progress!!!

Dear Lori

I'd love to answer your questions about adoption. I don't claim to be an expert but as you well know, I'm not shy about giving my honest point of view. So post your questions and I'll try to answer them either in the comments or in a separate post. We'll call this the "Dear Lori" series. Here's our first question:

Dear Lori,
I've had several friends adopt babies. It is really hard to know how to talk to them! Seriously - even though I struggled with infertility for 7 years before my first baby was born - there seems to be this invisible divider between "us" with normal pregnancies and "them" who can't (or don't). Does that make sense? Anyway, I'd love it if you'd write about the right and wrong things to say.

Signed,

Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,

Either I'm not that sensitive or everyone has been blessed with the right words to say but I haven't experienced many inappropriate moments. Since that wouldn't be a very helpful response from an advice columnist, I'll give you my top 5 list of what not to say.

1. "Do you know Johnny's* 'real mom'?" - Uh yeah, that's me. I'm his "real mom." I doubt anyone would question that as the people who cared for Lillian every minute of every day, Jeff and I were her "real parents." That brings us to what we should call the person who gave birth to the child. Personally, I prefer the title birthmom over biological mom or natural mom. To me it honors the relationship and reflects the gift of life. "Biological" seems cold and "natural" makes it sound like being an adoptive mom is unnatural or something.


2. "Was Johnny's* birthmom on drugs/really young/other negative stereotype?" - Not only does this insult the genetic heritage of the child but it's just plain disrespectful. This is an area of greatest misconceptions. At our agency, the average age of a birthmom is 25. 43% of the children placed experienced no prenatal drug or alcohol exposure and another 23% experienced only mild exposure. Regardless of the statistics, imagine the strength of character required to endure a pregnancy and delivery only to allow someone else to raise this beautiful baby. There are many other seemingly easier options but these brave birthparents choose to put their child's needs above their own. Birthfamilies are the true heroes of adoption and should be treated as such.


3. "Aren't you afraid that Johnny's* birthfamily is going to want him back?" - Well if I wasn't before, I am now...thanks a lot. Once the birthparents have signed consents (about 48 hours after the birth), they have terminated their parental rights. And Oregon law favors adoptive parents. But really, why even bring this up? Don't parents have enough to worry about?


4. "Once you adopt, you'll get pregnant." - Oh really? When did you become an expert in this area? I honestly think this happened to one couple in the history of the world and somehow EVERYONE knows them. It's like the 6 degrees of the adoptive parents who miraculously conceived. Sarcasm aside for a moment (which is hard for me to do), this rarely happens. And if it does happen to us, yippee! More kids to love. Oooo, and we can become the stuff of urban legend.


5. "Can't you have children of your own?" - Adopted children or biological children, they are my own. 'Nough said.

Don't be afraid to say the wrong thing. As long as you are approaching the subject with a genuine desire to learn and without any preconceived stereotypes, I for one, won't be offended. But in return, don't be offended if I correct a mistake. That's how we all learn.

Sincerely,
Lori

*To make my life easier, the adoptive child in these scenarios will be referred to as "Johnny". He/she/the child/etc was just too confusing to write.

Let's Get Physical

One of the forms that is due a little later on is a health report from our primary care physician. Unfortunately it requires that a physical examination be conducted within the last six months. Ugh. Since I haven't been to the doctor in 3 years (the last time I needed the health report form), it was time to make an appointment.

So, I called yesterday and to my great joy (said with great sarcasm), they had a last minute cancellation for 9am today. As much as I wanted to let Jeff take this one, the next several available appointments conflicted with my schedule. Alas, I had to go first.

It's not like a physical is a big deal but I don't understand the concept of going to the doctor when nothing is wrong. Isn't that just inviting trouble? I know, I know, it's called preventative medicine. I don't know if you've noticed, but doctor's waiting rooms are filled with sick people! Yes, sick people! So if you weren't sick when you arrived, there is a pretty good chance you will be when you leave.

Oh well, a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do. I arrived early and there was already a line. The woman in front of me proceeded to cough repeated into a partially open hand. And the open hand was pointed at me! What?! It's like she was guiding the germs directly to me. And since she was at the doctor's office, I can only assume she has some sort of airborne infectious disease. Only time will tell I suppose.

After 2 hours, 1 tetanus shot, blood work and the dreaded weigh-in, I was back on my way to work with the completed health report in hand. I guess it's good to have that out of the way. Now, it's Jeff's turn.

Step 1: Forms

July 12, 2007
10:02 am

Our adoption process has officially begun!

Not to be anti-climactic but the first step in the adoption process is simply calling the agency and ordering the packet of forms. Because we've adopted through this agency before, we are able to skip the initial step which is an orientation seminar. Alas, that is the only step that is skipped. And really, there shouldn't be any shortcuts to adopting a baby.

We received the packet this weekend and are mailing the forms today! How's that for a quick turnaround?! When we adopted Lillian, they gave us a big packet of forms that we had to fill out by hand. Then once we submitted them, they asked us to re-do a couple of them electronically. I opened my files and a 3.5" hard disk fell out. This time we received a big folder that contained only a cd. What a difference 3 years makes!

Here's the list of forms in this packet, prepare to be amazed:

• Intake form (1 per parent) - General stats similar to what you would fill out at a doctor's office
• Adoptive Family Information form - Details on each parent's history including occupation, education, physical characteristics, heritage, hobbies, etc. And a brief summary of child care plans and values, experiences and opportunities that we plan to offer our child.
• Financial form - Detailed summary of income and expenses.
• Health history (1 per parent) - Detailed family medical history for self and relatives. I guess they want to make sure we'll be around to raise this kid?
• Grievance policy form - Agreement not to go postal or sue them or anything.
• Release of information (1 per parent ) - Signing away our rights to any sliver of privacy that may have existed. Oh well, we've got nothin' to hide.
• Acknowledgement of Adoption Assistance Availability - Hmmm, this is a new one. We've signed it but have no idea what it's for. Guess I'd better call them and ask...
• Authorization for Credit Background Check (1 per parent)- Yep, they even check our credit report.
• Consent for Criminal Records Check (1 per parent) - Enables the Department of Human Services to check for any criminal history including any child abuse claims.
• Copy of Federal Income Tax Return - I guess this is making sure you didn't lie on your financial statement.

Once we complete and return the forms, an adoption counselor will contact us to arrange our first of many meetings. The paperwork is overwhelming. The wait is stifling. But the outcome is SOOOOOOO worth it. Adoption is a lot less spontaneous than the traditional method of making a baby but hey, it works!

We're Having A Baby

We've decided to adopt again! I'm so excited it makes my heart skip a beat everytime I think about it. We still miss Lillian every minute of every day and I don't see that ever changing. But if there is one thing we have learned, it is not to waste a minute. So, we're having a baby!

You may be wondering why we don't try fertility treatments. Or what is involved with adoption. Or when this bundle of joy will be ours. Well, we'd like to answer all those questions and more through this blog. Our hope is that through this journal, you would share our joy, pray with us and learn a little about this road to parenthood.

Oh, and I'll still be posting my own random thoughts on my other blog so don't forget to check it out too.